Ramsey's (Senate) Kitchen Nightmares

Inspired by the recent stories of the mismanagement of the U.S. Senate dining hall and associated eateries, I started to think about how that master of restaurant revitalization, Gordon Ramsey, would handle the situation. I think it would go a little something like this...

Ramsey (voice over): I'm in Washington, D.C. at the Dining Hall of the United States Senate. You'd think that the puff-chested windbags that run the place would demand first-class service, but the restaurant is a mess. It's lost money almost every year it's been in operation. Last year alone, the Senate restaurants were $2 million dollars in the red.

Ramsey (walking into dining room): F#@* me - nobody is in here. It looks like the cafeteria on a battleship. It's so dark and institutional. Let's try the food.

(Sampling something lumpy and the color of card board) Christ! I've had better food in a Malaysian petrol station. I don't know how the senators are going to explain this.

(Cut to Ramsey talking to several Senators) Ramsey: So, you're losing money.

Sen. Diane Feinstein: Yes.

Ramsey: Do you eat here? Do your staffers eat here?

Feinstein: No, all the Senate staffers seem to eat on the House side of Congress.

Ramsey: Doesn't that tell you something?

Feinstein: Our staffers are working hard with their colleagues in the House on important legislation for the American people... (drones on)

(Cut to Ramsey walking out of building) Ramsey: These senators are clueless. Neither they, nor their own staffers will go anywhere near the f*^@ing Dining Hall, yet none of them will lift a f$!@ing finger to do anything about the absolutely awful state of things. Only two new menu items have been added to the menu in the past ten years! No wonder nobody wants to eat here.

If I ran my restaurants that way, I'd be putting a "closed" sign in the window before the next election.

(Cut to Ramsey back in kitchen with Senators) Ramsey: Do any of you have experience managing a restaurant?

Senator: I sit on the Agriculture committee.

Ramsey: I want you to look at this kitchen. (Cut to scene of dirty dishes, greasy stoves, and wilting vegetables) Would you want your kitchen at home looking like this?

Feinstein: Of course not! I'd fire the cook and housekeeper if they left this mess for me to see!

Ramsey: Do you see all this food, the stuff that is just rotting on the counter? This is all just f^&#ing wasted. You might as well just pay your staff to throw food in the trash. Actually, if that gruel that I was served earlier is any indication, I'd recommend you pay them to throw it all in the garbage.

Why don't you fire these incompetent sods and get some real cooks in here?

Feinstein: It is our obligation to provide a well-paying job to these hardworking people, many of whom are disadvantaged and... (drones on)

Ramsey: But they are costing you millions!? You are losing money everyday by not changing.

Feinstein: These people are contributing to the economy of the... working mothers... ex-felons... minority advancement... undocumented workers... the American people understand that their tax dollars go to good causes subsidizing the jobs of...

Ramsey: I want you to seriously consider hiring a professional manager.

Feinstein: That sounds like privatization! We can't outsource this vital function of government!

Ramsey: Get it in your head, no one is eating here. This food isn't fit for a dog. You would be charged with aggravated assault if you gave the daily leftovers to the homeless.

Feinstein: I've worked hard to provide for our noble but displaced...

Ramsey: I give up. You f^#$ing politicians are entirely blind to what obviously needs to be done here. I just can't figure out if you are in denial, a complete idiot, or just like things being complete f@&%ed.